Coach Your Child to Win at Social Media

The 4A’s wants to hear from its members. In an age when headlines about kids and social media often have dark, frightening themes, Laura Tierney, McKinney’s Social Media Director, urges parents to teach their kids to use social media as a tool to do good works.

In the era of Snapchat and Instagram, social media has become one of the most powerful tools a teenager can wield. But we often only hear one side of its powers.

We hear how girls destroy their reputations, slash their self-esteem and even lose their own lives by accepting friend requests from strangers, getting cyberbullied and equating self-worth to Instagram likes. One high school sophomore recently told me she spends two to three hours each day thinking about the Instagram caption that she posts each night. The better the caption, the more likes. Guaranteed.

While these stories are true and some of them frightening, parents must open their eyes and see the other side of the story. Social media can inspire teenagers, too.

Thanks to people like famous record producer DJ Khaled, positivity and encouragement are becoming just as powerful (and newsworthy) on social media as bullying. When one 17-year-old girl from Boston saw that she was voted “ugliest in school” on the platform Ask.fm, she responded to her cyberbullies through a Facebook post that explained the importance of being confident in your own skin. Fellow peers instantly shared her post and it went viral, inspiring thousands of girls around the nation to value exactly who they are.

The reality is, girls are using platforms like Snapchat, Twitter and Instagram in positive and powerful ways that fuel their reputations and ambitions. They follow mentors and positive role models overlooked by mainstream television. They raise awareness and proceeds for causes they care about. They show college admission officers that they’re talented beyond words and are more than just an SAT score, because they post their passions and hobbies on Instagram. Not surprisingly, one in three college admission officers now admit to checking an applicant’s digital footprint, and teenagers can positively sway those decisions by sharing their talents and interests across the digital world.

But do your daughters know these stories? Marian Wright Edelman, an American activist for the rights of children, said, “You can’t be what you can’t see.” It’s unquestionable that your daughter must see how their fellow peers are using social media for good to understand its positive power.

She must see 11-year-old Marley Dias, who started the #1000BlackGirlBooks drive. When Marley got frustrated because her fifth-grade teacher only assigned books about “white boys and their dogs,” her Mom asked her what she was going to do about it. Marley took to social media to launch a campaign that went viral, even prompting booksellers like Barnes & Noble to donate to the cause. (Psst, I was drawing in coloring books at age 11. What about you?)

Your daughter must see 14-year-old Isis Brown, who used YouTube to finally stand up to online bullies who called her a terrorist. She made a video message to offer support and advice to other kids named “Isis” who also may get bullied. Her message: “Love your name. Cherish your name.”

She must see 15-year-old Lexi Hidalgo, the youngest certified yogi in South Florida who uses Instagram to share her yoga poses and encourage others to be healthy. Her impressive handstand videos show her outer strength, while her authentic, supportive Instagram captions prove her inner strength.

Your daughter must see powerful role models like DJ Khaled (@djkhaled305) on Snapchat, who communicates to millions of teens each day. In the standard Khaled Snapchat story, everything can be made better with a little effort. One young woman attending the University of Alabama recently tweeted, “Hey @djkhaled, are you available for hire as a life coach? Asking because I need more keys and uplifting advice than just Snapchat stories.”

Your daughter must see high school senior Klaudia Jazwinska, who used Twitter to find out which college was the right fit for her. Following a college visit to Lehigh University, Klaudia connected with current students and professors who were eager to answer her 140-character questions and share their own experiences about the college. Her decision: This is the right place for me.

These young girls use the power of social media for good — a behavior others need help learning, and one that most schools are not teaching. Parents, it’s up to you to show them these incredibly powerful social media examples that may not get shared as much as they should. After all, in the teen world, Kanye’s Twitter complaints and T-Swift’s selfies too often steal the spotlight. The light shone on positive examples needs to be brighter.

Because we cannot keep teen girls from using social media or apps like Kik and Snapchat, parents should be empowering them to be awesome there, to be proud of themselves and their friends, to take control of their reputation. Call it modern-day feminism if you want. Call it a game we must win with more than 40 million teens around the U.S. playing every year. They play for likes, for causes, for advice, for engagement. When they play for good, I call this winning the game of social media.

So, as a parent, how do you coach your daughter to win that game rather than lose it? The key to success is to share the “do’s” of social media rather than harping only on the “don’ts.” Consider how one of the greatest coaches in history developed winning teams and players. Duke University basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski didn’t consistently lead his team to victory by sharing only the plays they should never run. He taught them the plays that would help them win the game. Social media is no different.

Start by seeing who she sees each day on her favorite platforms and apps—the celebrities, brands and friends that she’s following. In November 2015, CNN reported on a finding by Common Sense Media that, every day, “teens in the U.S. spend about nine hours using media for their enjoyment.” That’s potentially more than her classroom education. It’s not outlandish to suggest that who she sees there is who she’s admiring and, perhaps, emulating.

Do these people align with your daughter’s core values, passions and personal interests? No? Well, it’s time to get other role models installed onto her social media wall of fame. To win the game of social, she must fill her feeds with positive inputs that fuel her confidence and aspirations to be what she can see. Help her see girls who crush it, from the soccer field to the science lab.

Then, encourage her to share positive things about herself, her life, her ideas, her dreams. While selfies can give girls confidence, remind your daughter to turn the camera around once in a while and share their passions. Her world is much bigger than her face.

With 659 followers on Instagram, Kay Bernadas is an excellent example. A recent Appalachian State graduate, Kay shares her passion for baking and photography through Instagram, so I wasn’t surprised to learn that her creative posts helped her land an internship at a national advertising agency. After all, according to a 2014 survey by Jobvite, 92 percent of employers now report using social media to find high-quality candidates.

Thanks to features like direct messaging on Twitter and Instagram, girls can also use social platforms to build relationships with role models and mentors. I personally use 140-character tweets to land informational interviews that have led to dream internships and jobs. I seek advice from mentors when the going gets tough. I use LinkedIn to learn about other professionals who share my interests. These are plays that we must transfer to the next generation.

Parents, school systems and government institutions already take an active role in teaching teenagers how to drive a car and approach sex responsibly. Without question, these driver and sex education lessons forever impact children’s lives. So why should social media education be any different?

Right now, it’s not part of most school curriculums, so this education must start at home. New Jersey should be applauded for taking the first step in January 2014 to mandate all middle schools to teach social media classes. But the state remains the only one out of 50 to require social media education. We have a long way to go.

Social media platforms are where 92 percent of today’s teenagers huddle on a daily basis. And as a parent—someone who may have grown up in the age of passing notes in the hall and calling people on the phone—you are probably not as familiar with these alien platforms, their disappearing content, their anonymity or their privacy settings. The solution: Downshift, step on the brake and have your teenager teach you social media. Put your daughter or son in the driver’s seat to show you how Snapchat, Kik and Yik Yak work, and to learn who they’re following, why they share what they share and what role models fill their feeds. This important conversation can begin to build trust, the most critical component between a parent and teen when openly discussing social media.

Social media is not something that only deserves a 60-minute huddle once a year with your teenager. This is an active relationship you must initiate and champion on an ongoing basis. You, the parent, have the chance to influence your daughter by investing the necessary time to coach her on the positive plays of social media. Consider the long-term win: It’s a lesson with a lifetime value.